Jessica Walsh

Did you see Timothy today?
Yes.

What did y’all do together?
We spent the morning running around to the various rides. We didn’t speak about last night’s events. The constant noise and visuals at Disney’s Animal Kingdom proved to be the perfect distraction from the disappointment and pain.

Did anything interesting happen?
Around noon we sat down at an outdoor bar and drank margaritas. After we ate, I began to feel quite faint. The combination of the sun, alcohol, and exhaustion from the walking must have dehydrated me. Tim helped carry me out of the park. Around 5:30 we took the Magical Express back to the airport. We schlepped our bags through security, and we ate dinner at the bar of some Mexican restaurant in silence. Tim watched the basketball game while I read my book.

Tim finally broke the silence, and suggested we address the elephant in the room. I asked him if his feelings had changed since last night, or if he wanted to try to make it work. He said he still didn’t feel it was right between us. I told him that as deeply as I care for him, he deserves to be with someone he is crazy for, and I deserve to be with someone who is crazy for me. He agreed, and he said it would be better to end things now before he could screw things up even more. We boarded the plane, and I cuddled up in the window seat with a blanket and pillow. I listened to Lana Del Rey’s Born To Die on repeat, which helped me through my last breakup. I downed a few miniature bottles of red wine to drown my sadness, and I finished the last chapter of my book.

Did you learn anything new about Timothy?
What does it even mean to love someone? It seems almost impossible to universally define such a complex state of mind since we all experience life so uniquely. I guess love is something you just have to experience and define for yourself. On a whole, I’ve experienced it as being committed to someone I am passionately interested in. Someone who helps me discover aspects of myself I didn’t see before and for whom I can do the same. Someone I trust, respect, and share experiences with. Someone I can be my kind of weird with.

While this has certainly been the most unconventional romantic relationship of my life, Tim fits into all those categories. Even if it wasn’t meant to work for us romantically, I’ll continue to love him as a friend. I will be forever connected to him because of these experiences we’ve shared. We agreed that no matter what happens, we don’t want to lose each other from our lives. We’ve had four great years of friendship, 40 days of dating, and we will hopefully have many more crazy adventures to come.

Did you learn anything new about yourself?
I have so much respect for Walt Disney. I read a book about him recently, and his personality and life story remind me of Steve Jobs’s. Both were complicated and obsessive, layered with many personal issues, and were extraordinarily creative visionaries who ran successful companies. I’ve always thought that business and romance have many parallels. What I respect most about both of these men is not their ability to come up with numerous ideas, but to recognize which ones were worth pursuing, and to persevere through challenges and realize them. Like Steve Jobs said: “Deciding what not to do is as important as deciding what to do.”

How do you feel about this relationship/project right now?
We waited in line for a cab at the JFK taxi stand. At the beginning of the wait, Tim professed his hatred for Disney World. By the end of the line he professed his love for it. It is interesting to me how we can so easily shift between love and hate. Our moods and emotions and feelings can change from day to day, minute to minute. Our relationship with Disney World, like each other, was deeply conflicted and complicated. We are so wrong for each other in so many ways, and so right for each other in many other ways.

There were days Tim overwhelmed me and drove me nuts with his inability to make decisions and his constant need to exert control. Yet there were many other days filled with smiles, silliness, love, and laughter. We both learned a tremendous amount about each other and about ourselves. Just because it didn’t end as I had hoped doesn’t mean it wasn’t a success. The experiment forced me to reevaluate my lifestyle and what I want in the future. I am already happier, healthier, and more relaxed then I was 20 days ago. I was telling my friend about it, and he wrote me a nice message.

Is there anything that you want to do differently?
This experiment has made me extremely self-aware and confident in who I am, what I want, and what I am looking for. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting a committed relationship. I know I can be very happy on my own, but life has always been even more awesome when there’s someone great to share it with. That being said, there is no rush, and I want to take some time to myself after this. I want to focus on my work, friends, and family. I have no idea what the future holds, but I am hopeful and optimistic about what’s next.

Additional comments?
We shared the cab ride home together. The driver dropped Tim off at his apartment first. We looked at the clock and realized it was 11:58 PM, making the 40 days come to an end at the exact moment we parted. We laughed at the irony. Tim jumped out of the cab, and grabbed something out of his luggage. He handed me a square package. A few weeks earlier when I was at The New Museum, I bought him a bound book of napkins that I thought he might like. He gave it back to me with illustrations of 40 things he likes about me. It was one of the sweetest and most thoughtful gifts anyone has ever given to me. And as if we were in some sort of twisted fairytale, he left me at the stroke of midnight with the gift and a goodbye kiss.

Jessica Walsh

Did you see Timothy today?
Yes.

What did y’all do together?
It felt nice to wake up in Tim’s arms. We were out the door by 8:30 AM, on to Magic Kingdom. Tim scarfed down a cheese danish, a chocolate croissant, a microwaved egg sandwich, and a tea. This boy can seriously eat. After Tomorrow Land, we walked though Fantasy Land and went on the the Winnie-the-Pooh ride.

I have an Alice in Wonderland obsession and I wanted to go on the Mad Hatter tea cup ride, but it was shut down for renovation. Around 2 PM, we wandered down Main Street. The street was lined with charming candy shops, ice cream shops, and bakeries. Tim and I split a large pistachio ice cream cone. We sat down near the sidewalk around three to watch the parade.

I have mixed feelings about this place. On the one hand, there is something fascinating about Disney World. There is a high level of detail to every aspect of the operation and the experience, from the hand painted signs and the technology behind the projections and holograms, to the large scale coordinated shows that happen like clockwork. Yet, as Prince Charming passed by us waving, and I watched the little children squeal in excitement, I couldn’t help but think there is something twisted about this place. This whole place just plants expectations in children’s minds that make them think they will grow up to meet the perfect person who will make all their dreams come true. While this kind of storybook love is a positive and a seemingly innocent notion, it’s nearly impossible to live up to.

It’s interesting to think about how this kind of true love is a relatively recent concept in human history. Marriage unions used to be treated in a much more practical manner, often as nothing more than a business arrangement between families. It was only in the last few hundred years that we saw this birth of romanticism throughout culture.

Did anything interesting happen?
Yes. It all began with a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt. We had dinner reservations at the Flying Fish Cafe on the Disney boardwalk. On our way to dinner, I realized my shoes were giving me a blister. I ran back to the hotel room to grab a new pair. We were almost at the train when Tim mentioned I would probably get cold without a sweater. He wanted me to go back to get one. I looked at the time and I realized we were already running late. I didn’t want us to miss the reservation, so I suggested we go to dinner and I would buy one on the boardwalk later.

We enjoyed a nice dinner. I had scallops, and Tim had salmon. After dinner, Tim wanted to walk along the water to watch the performers and the fireworks. I was freezing cold, as Tim predicted, so we stopped in a tourist shop to get a sweatshirt. I finally found one I liked, looked at the tag, and made a comment about how pricey it was.

Tim got loud with me. He said I was forgetful and irresponsible, and that I should have listened to him. He said he didn’t understand what was wrong with me, and that it was no wonder I couldn’t save any money. I usually shut down immediately when I feel attacked, but I know how that annoys Tim even more. So I tried to stand up for myself, but this only pushed it further. Feeling defeated and unsure what to do, I shut down. I walked out the door towards the taxi station.

After I walked out of the tourist shop, Tim ran after me and grabbed my arm. We sat down in the grass together. I asked him to think hard about what he was doing. Was he doing this as his usual defense mechanism? Is this his fear of vulnerablity? If so, I was willing to work through it with him. On the other hand, I’ve been completely open and honest with him about who I am, and what I can offer him. If he doesn’t think we are working romantically, then we should end this now and try to remain friends.

Did you learn anything new about Timothy?
All of Tim’s quirks and oddities seem adorable to me. The way his hair sticks up awkwardly after his sunglasses have been on his head for a while, how his pants are too short, how he eats too quickly and always leaves a mess. I even find it cute that he can become overly sensitive and takes things so personally. I find humor in these imperfections and accept him as he is.

Unfortunately, this is not the same for him. While we’ve been having a great two days here, Tim finds moments to slip in negative remarks. He said that he was bothered by how accommodating I am to him and his desires. He said I should pay more attention to my grooming. He said that he didn’t like that I don’t eat enough. He made a negative comment about how my nail polish is chipping off. While I understand objectively where these comments are coming from, it still really hurts.

Did you learn anything new about yourself?
I had a relationship once where the guy fell very quickly for me. While I cared for him deeply, I knew he wasn’t right for me long-term. Even though I recognized that I was being irrational, everything about him increasingly bothered me, from his mannerisms to the things he did. It wasn’t the things that he was doing that were actually bothering me, it was him. I used these excuses as a way out. Is this what Tim was doing?

How do you feel about this relationship/project right now?
We continued to talk on the grass. He said he didn’t think it was a defense mechanism with me, but that he didn’t think we were right for each other. He said something about me rubs him the wrong way romantically. He said my strong feelings for him deeply worry him, and, like usual, I was moving too quickly. He said if we continued to date he would just fall back into his old habits and that he didn’t want to hurt me. He said I deserve more.

Is there anything that you want to do differently?
I told him I understood. However, I can’t deny feeling rejection and pain. I already loved him as a friend. After I allowed myself to open up to him and let my guard down, I’ve started to fall for him romantically. It seems I’ve repeated the same pattern again. I opened up too quickly, empathized too deeply, and I have another failed relationship to add to the list. I don’t know what to do or think at all anymore.

Additional comments?
How did this even happen? Are we completely over, or is this an argument that we’ll forgive and forget? I just want to escape the thoughts and feelings circling around in my head right now. When we got back to the hotel room, I took a sleeping pill with a glass of wine and went to bed. He crawled into bed behind me and held me, and we fell asleep together.

Jessica Walsh

Did you see Timothy today?
Bright and early!

What did y’all do together?
I hailed a cab at four AM and picked up Tim at his apartment. We headed to JFK and arrived at Jet Blue’s terminal for our six AM flight to Orlando. I was very tired because I was unable to sleep during the night. I was too excited about the trip, and I stayed up making maps of the various rides we should go on.

Did anything interesting happen?
We boarded the plane and I fell fast asleep on Tim’s shoulder. I woke up as the plane was touching down. We took the Magic Express train to our hotel room at The Contemporary. We unpacked, had sex, and got changed into our bathing suits. We went to the pool bar and ordered a few mango margaritas. Tim scarfed down a disgusting looking hot dog as we strategized the plan for the weekend. We decided to tackle Epcot today, Magic Kingdom on Saturday, and end with Animal Kingdom on Sunday.

We headed over to Epcot and ran around the park getting into all sorts of trouble. We went on the first ride, which was called “Mission: Space.” We were not prepared for it. Aren’t these rides suppose to be for kids?! We both stumbled out of the ride feeling dizzy with motion sickness, laughing at the hilarity of it all. We wandered over to the “Soarin'” ride after, which was a simulation of hang gliding over California landscapes with a wraparound IMAX screen.

Tim seemed annoyed with me at several points in the day for various things, but I was able to brush it all off. There’s no need to fight around the children! We ended the evening with dinner at the Grand Floridian. I had asparagus and risotto, and Tim had the tomato and mozzarella. After that, we headed outside and watched the fireworks. I sat in his lap, and we sipped champagne. Things felt romantic. I realized how much I’ve let my guard down this past week. I am starting to admit to myself how much I care about him.

After the fireworks, we lay in the grass outside our hotel and looked up at the stars. We noticed how clear the stars in the sky were compared to New York. We talked about the possibilities of alien life, string theory, and space travel. While I’ve always thought that 2013 is a great time to be alive in the history of the universe, I do wish we lived in a time where space travel was affordable for civilians.

Lying under the stars reminded me of a friend who loves astrology and horoscopes. She recently suggested that we do a horoscope partner analysis together. I’ve never been a believer in the type of horoscopes you find in gossip magazines, but I have always been curious about them. I did some research, and I found a site with readings by a reputable astrologist whose work is based off of Jungian psychology.

Did you learn anything new about Timothy?
Tim was born on June 23 at 9:19 PM in Ohio. He falls under the Cancer zodiac. Here is his personality portrait, and his psychological portrait.

Did you learn anything new about yourself?
I was born on October 30 at 10:05 AM in New York. I fall under the Scorpio zodiac. Here is my personality portrait, and my psychological portrait.

How do you feel about this relationship/project right now?
After we did our individual psychological portraits, we tried a relationship portrait together.

Is there anything that you want to do differently?
As I was reading these horoscopes, I became spooked by how the descriptions seemed to resemble our personalities, our issues, and even our pasts. Are these strategically written to make us all feel that we can relate? Do we just see what we want to in them? This makes me think of the idea of romantic fatalism. I often find myself looking for signs of fate in a relationship, like strange coincidences or similarities that make me think “it’s meant to be.” I can’t deny that I attach meaning to the coincidence that Tim and I are both die-hard Winnie-the-Pooh fans, or that we share the same favorite childhood ice cream flavor. But when you look for these signs between any two people, there are bound to be overlaps. I have to remind myself that the only meaning behind certain things is what we choose to attach to them.

Additional comments?
I had a good laugh at this part of the horoscope: