Jessica Walsh

Did you see Timothy today?
Yes.

What did y’all do together?
Another therapy session.

Did anything interesting happen?
Jocelyn asked us what we thought would happen after the experiment ended. I don’t think it will work out unless Tim is ready to change, unless he’s interested in dating me exclusively. I know his past relationship patterns too well. I know he likes to date around. dI want more than that.

Did you learn anything new about Timothy?
Jocelyn asked Tim what he thought would happen once the experiment was over, and if he would like to continue to date me. Tim said he hadn’t thought about it yet. How can this have not yet crossed his mind? Men.

That being said, I am not worried or stressed about what might happen. I am definitely becoming more relaxed and tolerant of all this uncertainty. No sense in worrying, it’s not going to help anything. What will be will be.

Did you learn anything new about yourself?
Tim said he was worried about the idea of dating me after the 40 days are over, since I have a pretty intense amount of work-related travel coming up. He said he’s tried the long distance thing before and it didn’t work out. I talked to Jocelyen about my intense work / travel / teaching / lecture schedule coming up in the next month, and how that might impact a relationship. She suggested that perhaps it’s not the best time for me to be in a relationship. It reminded me of an email from my ex who broke my heart.

How do you feel about this relationship/project right now?
Like many other New Yorkers, I’ve fallen into the busy trap. I’ve put my work before my relationships, my personal needs, and even my health. I believe my workaholic tendencies can be attributed largely to a genuine love and passion for what I do. It’s truly the most interesting thing in my life right now. But maybe there’s more to it than that.

Is there anything that you want to do differently?
I discussed in therapy how I don’t want to be that girl who is always “too busy.” I want to set aside more time for my friends, my family, a relationship, and myself. This experiment has forced me to take time away from work each day, and while it can be stressful, I think it’s been good. I want to continue to make time for all the relationships in my life.

I also want to face conflict more often. Jocelyn said she left the last therapy session feeling angry about how Tim spoke to me. She said I should fight back instead of internalizing negative comments. We discussed how my aversion to conflict and my desire to please people I care about affects my relationships. I used to stand up for myself more, but lately I’ve been avoiding conflict. She asked me to think back on past relationships.

I think this can be partially traced back to a relationship I had last year. Jocelyn said that perhaps I am now scared to confront conflict out of fear of losing people close to me. She said this conflict-free strategy does not help myself or others. She reminded us that a relationship that can’t stand up to conflict is not worth staying in at all.

Additional comments?
At the end of therapy, Tim said “as long as Jessie’s happy, I am happy.” That was sweet. He hailed a cab for me, we gave each other a hug and kiss, and I headed back to the office.

Jessica Walsh

Did you see Timothy today?
Yes.

What did y’all do together?
Tim and I both taught our last class of the semester at SVA.

Did anything interesting happen?
We each passed out cards in our respective classes. The cards asked whether the student was single or in a relationship, and why. We collected the cards and were touched by their awesome and uninhibited responses.

There were a few like this that made me laugh:

And there were a few like this that made me yearn for love:

What I love about art/design students is that the realities of working in the “real world” haven’t diluted their ideas and imaginations yet. They are young, but they’re so much more open and honest than many other people. I think age is just an illusion. Some of the youngest people I know are the oldest at heart, and some of the oldest have been the youngest.

Did you learn anything new about Timothy?
Throughout our friendship, Tim has always enjoyed expressing his dating escapades to me. I’ve always poked fun of him, comparing him to a little kid in a candy shop. He gets so excited about all the possibilities, he can’t focus long enough to figure out what he wants. Tonight, Tim was boasting about a few women he dated before the experiment who have been messaging him recently. He also told me about a beautiful girl he ran into on the street who wanted to meet up with him. For the first time, all this bragging bothered me.

In therapy, we talked about how this desire for attention can stem from insecurity or low self-esteem. Constant attention provides constant reassurance that we are wanted or loved. I think deep down, no matter how confident we appear, we’re all a little insecure. We want to feel accepted and understood on some level. Some of us seek this through romance, others through family or friendships, and others with work status and merits.

Did you learn anything new about yourself?
One of my main goals is to find a way to help or touch people through my work. I’ve been unsure whether or not I want to teach next year since it’s so time consuming. And I was a little insecure about whether I was making a difference. However, after my class, many of the students gave me gifts or came up to thank me for the semester. It gave me the encouragement to stick with it. Even if I only help out a few students a year, I think it’s worth it!

How do you feel about this relationship/project right now?
After class, my sister came over my place for a glass of wine. I asked her to fill out one of our cards for the project. She wrote “I’m honestly too cool for any guy to handle.” I had to laugh.

Is there anything that you want to do differently?
Throughout my childhood, my sister and I would fight like cats and dogs. We’d argue over everything: attention from my parents, who was better at this or that, and her constant theft of my clothes. We were complete opposites in almost every way. My mom would always say that one day we’d move past it all, and we’d share one of the most meaningful relationships of our lives. I thought this was my mom being overly sentimental.

A few years ago Lauren moved a few blocks from me, and we’ve grown incredibly close. I’ve finally understood the depth of this “sisterly bond” I always heard so much about. While we have different personalities and different ways of expressing ourselves, I’ve come to realize that we’re similar in so many ways. She’s there for me anytime I need her. She is one of my biggest supporters and closest friends. We grew up together, so she understands me in ways that no one else can. While she continues to use my closet as her own personal cost-free department store, I’ve come to realize how meaningless a few pieces of clothing are in the bigger picture.

Additional comments?
This makes me think about my relationship with Tim. While we’re opposites in almost every way, I think deep down there are many similarities. However differently we may approach something, I think we want the best for each other.

Jessica Walsh

Did you see Timothy today?
Yep!

What did y’all do together?
Tim met me near my office for a quick coffee at a place called Ports. I have a day packed with meetings, and I really appreciate how accommodating he is being with my schedule.

Did anything interesting happen?
Tim is reading a manuscript for a book jacket design he is working on. The topic is creative duos, and why creativity works best in pairs rather than as a single person or in large groups. I have always loved to read, so I appreciate that Tim does as well. After coffee, Tim walked me back to my studio. He kissed me goodbye when he dropped me off at my office.

Did you learn anything new about Timothy?
Tim brought up how “American” he felt compared to me, and how I seem much more European. I never thought about this before, since I am not so interested in these kinds of labels. Personally, what I think defines someone is their character, not where they are born or their religion. It’s how they treat people, their passions and interests, their goals and ambitions. Tim has great character. He is passionate, motivated, interested, and he has a big heart. Sure, he has his problems and issues, but at least he can call himself out on his own bullshit and laugh about it. I think the only people to laugh at are those who can’t laugh at themselves.

Did you learn anything new about yourself?
Tim called me an “enigma” today for the third time! I’ve been called this by family members and past boyfriends before. Even my own therapist has called me an enigma. The Meyers-Briggs personality indicator called me an enigma! Why do people think I am so complicated when I feel so simple? I talked about this with a friend of mine. She told me to not take it personally, that being an enigma is basically the definition of being a woman. Perhaps it’s not a bad thing to not be so easily defined.

How do you feel about this relationship/project right now?
Someone once said that the best kind of relationship is one where you “talk like best friends, play like children, argue like husband and wife, and protect each other like brother and sister.” Whether or not Tim and I work out romantically, I feel lucky to have this with Tim. Today we talked about how no matter what happens, we’ll be forever linked through this crazy experiment.

Is there anything that you want to do differently?
Not today. Things are good.

Additional comments?
I drank decaf coffee today, but it just wasn’t the same. I bought a croissant, but realized it was wheat, so I resisted eating it. This is tough. However, it’s day three of healthy living and still no headaches! #tradeoffs