Jessica Walsh

Did you see Timothy today?
Yes.

What did y’all do together?
We went to Easter brunch on the Upper East Side with Tim’s old teacher Sara from The School of Visual Arts. I was impressed by how sharp she is for an 85-year-old lady. We talked about everything from the latest museum shows, the TV show Girls, to politics.

Did anything interesting happen?
Spending time with Sara reminded me of my grandfather who passed away years ago. Easter was one of his favorite holidays, and I couldn’t help but become nostalgic at brunch. I remembered how he’d give me a chocolate bunny every year. I’d only eat the ears.

One Saturday over five years ago, my grandfather was rushed to the hospital with heart problems. I spent the day with him, and when visiting hours were almost over, I couldn’t muster the courage to tell him how much I loved him. The next morning I missed the 8:05 train from Grand Central Station to Harrison, NY by a matter of minutes. When I finally arrived, I knew from the look in my mom’s eyes that he was gone. He passed only ten minutes before I got there. I was devastated that I never got to tell him how much I loved him. My mom suggested that I hand write him a letter. However, Poppy was proud that he learned to email just a few weeks earlier, so I emailed him my letter instead.

Poppy spoiled my grandma with love, attention, and so much food! He did everything for her. My mom always told us that we should never settle unless a guy treated us like this. I looked for this in relationships when I was younger, but I always felt that it’s unattractive when a guy holds me too highly on a pedestal. When Poppy passed, my grandma didn’t know how to take care of herself. I think it’s good to find the right balance of mutual support, with the occasional spoiling on both ends, but I don’t want to ever depend on a guy.

Did you learn anything new about Timothy?
Tim interacted with Sara with patience and kindness, which was nice to see! He told me about his own grandparents, and how close he is to them. It’s nice to hear that family is important to him, too.

Did you learn anything new about yourself?
Poppy imparted so much wisdom to my family over the years. He was full of what my family would call “Poppyisms,” which were sayings that he’d repeat to us over and over and over and over.

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How do you feel about this relationship/project right now?
Like the last couple days, my headaches today were severe. I didn’t feel up for going to brunch, but it sounded important to Tim that I meet Sara, so I dragged myself there. It’s really hard to enjoy anything these days, I am in so much physical pain.

Is there anything that you want to do differently?
Poppy always said that if you have your health, you have everything. I need to take care of this headache situation. Friday I have an appointment to go to a neurologist, maybe they will have better insight than my regular doctor. So it goes.

Additional comments?
Tim was silent when Sara and I were discussing the most recent gallery and museum shows around New York. I’m only now realizing he doesn’t enjoy the art world as much as I do.

Jessica Walsh

Did you see Timothy today?
Sigh.

What did y’all do together?
Our friends Lotta and Jonathan were hosting an Easter potluck dinner with “the family.” That’s the nickname I gave our group of friends. We joke that I’m “Grandma”, since I’ve been known to go to bed super early.

Did anything interesting happen?
Earlier today, I went to see the NYC 1993 show at The New Museum and the Gutai show at the Guggenheim. Gutai was a Japanese artist group led by Yoshihara Jiro. They did a large body of experimental work together in the 50s and 60s including paintings, installations, exhibitions, and films.

After the shows, my mind was racing with new ideas that Tim and I could collaborate on. I wanted to share a little of this inspiration with him, so I picked up several books for him at the museum gift shop. I thought it would be nice ‘thank you’ after the sweet video he made me the other day.

I gave him the books on the cab ride to Brooklyn and started to tell him some of my ideas. As he opened the gifts he became irritated, and tried to pick a fight. Not the reaction I was hoping for! He said my fluctuating mood was stressful. I was a little tense leading up to my big photo shoot the other day, but have since been upbeat and happy. His own moods fluctuate quite a bit, too. Yesterday he was happy, today he’s crabby. Anyway, I was able to calm things down, but it definitely killed my mood. At least the dinner was wonderful! We feasted on asparagus pie, ravioli, and lemon cocktails.

Right after we finished eating, a few things happened in succession. First, a wave of exhaustion hit me. I didn’t sleep at all the night of the Adobe shoot, and I only slept a few hours per night for the rest of the week. Secondly, I’ve been getting these terrible headaches lately, and it became unbearable after dinner. Next, I started to mull on Tim’s reaction to the gifts from earlier in the evening. And lastly, I got a text message from that ex who broke my heart last year:

My heart sank. I thought I was over him, but I guess I’ve been holding on to hope. All I wanted to do was go home and crawl under my covers. Everyone was having such a great time, and I didn’t want to kill the mood. I pulled Lotta aside and let her know what was going on, and then I left.

Did you learn anything new about Timothy?
Tim can be grumpy and moody. I don’t hold it against him, though. We can all get that way.

Did you learn anything new about yourself?
I stress because I give a fuck. Whether it’s in my work or my relationships, I’m very passionate. When I care about someone, I tend to care and empathize with them very deeply. Tim is starting to enter this “I care about you” zone, so I internalized his crabby mood. I let it get to me.

How do you feel about this relationship/project right now?
Later that night, I decided to call Tim and tried to talk to him directly about what he was feeling. He’s been over thinking everything, and sending me mixed signals. He’s both interested and scared to become intimate, yet he’s still being flirtatious and showing signs of wanting more. Why is this so difficult? The back and forth is confusing, and I’m tired of playing guessing games about what he wants. He said he had had a few too many cocktails, and that he’d prefer to talk about everything in the morning.

Is there anything that you want to do differently?
I shouldn’t internalize the moods of the person I am with so deeply, it’s been a source of stress in my past relationships.

Additional comments?
All our friends at the dinner party were couples. I watched as they exchanged kisses, teased each other, laughed with each other, etc. I can’t deny that I felt a little envious.

Jessica Walsh

Did you see Timothy today?
Yes.

What did y’all do together?
Tim suggested forced me to go to a Knicks game at Madison Square Garden. I would never go to a basketball game on my own. Considering I haven’t slept in days due to the Adobe shoot, I can’t really say I was super excited about going. At least Tim was!

Perhaps it helped that I had very low expectations, but it turned out to be a really fun evening! I loved the food vendors and all the people-watching. We ended up talking through most of the game, which was fun. I also couldn’t help but smile seeing how giddy Tim was about being at the game. It was really quite cute.

Did anything interesting happen?
I ate sushi at a Knicks game. Yes, I went there, and it was pretty awesome. After the sushi, I was craving something sweet. I suggested that we split bread pudding from Magnolia Bakery, which is one of my favorites.

Did you learn anything new about Timothy?
He is not very good at sharing. As we were paying for the bread pudding, he decided he wanted it all to himself, and told me I should get my own! I didn’t think I could finish a whole bread pudding, so I bought a cupcake instead.

Did you learn anything new about yourself?
I used to love sports, and I had an extremely active childhood. I played varsity soccer and lacrosse. I spent summers hopping from one fitness bootcamp to the next. I trained privately for eight years in Tae Kwon Do. I did 100-mile cycling trips, ran track, played tennis, golf, and even basketball.

Then I went to art school. Sports were a joke at my school. Our basketball team was called “The Balls.” The swimming team was “The Wet Dreams.” The hockey team was called “The Nads.” (You’d cheer “Go Nads!”) Needless to say, I phased out of my sporty past, and in the past few years I’ve had no exercise. Lately I’ve been dealing with terrible headaches, back pain, and feeling sluggish all the time. Tim keeps nagging me to try exercising, and I do wonder if setting aside time for physical activity might be helpful.

How do you feel about this relationship/project right now?
I could sense Tim being a little flirtatious during the cab ride home, but something was holding him back. I suppose it goes back to what we discussed in our therapy session. He’s interested, but he’s afraid to take the risk since he doesn’t know what he wants. I think he’s over-thinking things.

Is there anything that you want to do differently?
It was nice to get out of my comfort zone and try something new. I want to diversify my interests, as there are so many interesting things to do in NYC! Salsa dancing classes, anyone? Rock climbing? Mixology classes? Kickboxing?

Additional comments?
The game tonight reminded me of my parents relationship. They always said you need a “give and take” attitude in a long lasting relationship. They are both business people, and early on in their marriage they developed a credits and debits “point system” to keep things in balance. Heres an example:

Going to the Knicks game tonight would have totally earned me at least 20 points. I’ve already started plotting my revenge date. Gotta keep the T&J score in balance.